Is your son a metrotard?

Two years ago, my wife Tami and I decided that our children’s education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Dell to learn with. Our son Larson was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at writing comments on the net. When Larson began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Tami advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Julie, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: “Larson is a metrotard!”

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I’d gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding metrotards. It’s only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of online-shilling.

Windows 8, Windows 8.1 and Windows 10 are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Stevos Sinofkos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called “Windows”, which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by metrotards to turn other people’s computer systems into oversized smartphones. They may also be used to break into people’s PC to turn their local accounts into a “Sinofsko Account”, using the “universal apps” program. Sinofkos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as “metro”, which is used by metrotards (inept followers of Sinofskos) to break Windows machines on the internet by replacing their applications with “apps”.

Are you finding programs on your computer that you don’t remember installing?

Your son will probably try to install some metrotard software to convert the installed genuine Windows system into a Sinofsko program. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under “Install/Remove Programs” in your control panel. Popular metrotard software includes “PrepareWin7ForWindowsTechnicalPreview.exe”, “KB2990214” and “KB3035583”.

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to “download” one of the metrotard applications through Windows Update. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.

Has your child asked for new hardware?

Metrotards are often overwhelmed by conventional computer hardware. They may request “easier” input methods, like a touch screeen, even on a desktop computer. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer’s manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new “Surface RT” from a company called “NuMicrosoft”, this is genuine cause for alarm. NuMicrosoft is a third-world based company who make inferior, “knock-off” copies of the American company Apple. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they are deliberately incompatible with software made for the operation system of the once proud American company Microsoft. Surface RT devices are never sold in regular stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites or go to seedy “NuMicrosoft Stores”. Do not buy this “2 in 1” tablet! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

Does your child read metrotard propaganda?

If you pay close attention to your son’s reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.

There is, unfortunately, lots of metrotard propaganda available on the internet today. A few propaganda pieces to be on the lookout for are: “Windows 8 will stomp everything” and “Who needs the Start Menu?” by Dotmatrix; “Windows 10 is beautiful” by Ed Bott; “Sinofskos is a genius” by Hal Berenson and “Metro is untouchable” by Paul Thurrott.

If you find any of these metrotard propaganda on your child’s computer, delete them immediately. You should also petition websites to remove these articles from their CMSes. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even media networks have to bow to community pressure.

How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to shill other peoples sites. Shilling involves spreading Windows 10 and metro on other people’s machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children’s access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

Does your son use the Windows app-store?

The app-store is an online marketplace used by metrotards. It is a unpopular meeting place and trading ground by the general public, but highly frequented by metrotards, where they buy third-rate knock-off programs called “apps” for the Sinofkos Windows 8/10 OS. Many metrotards develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.

If your son is using the Windows app-store, you should make him understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the credit cards in your house are carefully locked away. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

As a child enters the electronic world of online-shilling for Sinofkos, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should “back off” and “stop smothering him.” Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn’t understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a metrotard on your hands. Metrotards tend to dress in ironic, vintage rags. They may wear scarfs even in the middle of July, ridiculous caps and unkempt facial hair to match their clothes. They may also wear fake oversized glasses. (I have no idea why they do this). There are many such metrotards in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son’s group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a metrotard group, such as the infamous “neowin” metrotard association. Excessive time spent on the touchscreen, communicating with his fellow metrotards may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child’s mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his shill-activities, and limit his computer time drastically.

I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Shilling is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in a marketing department, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.


11 responses to “Is your son a metrotard?

  1. I find it amusing that only nerds care about this. Even though I agree that apps have no value on desktop, most people just ignore them without being agitated.
    To the average user, having a useless metro apps is like having powershell or hyper terminal. They just ignore it and use the programs they need.
    AFAIK, you can even delete them, if need be

  2. “To the average user, having a useless metro apps is like having powershell or hyper terminal.”

    Oh, the innocent mind. Everyone who was the slightest bit of experience in executive meddling knew the plan was for Metro to slowly devoure the desktop, with apps and UI elements gradually replaced with Metrotarded stuff, and with Windows 8 MS just didn’t have the time to complete the job.

    Everyone hailed the inclusion of a start button as a sign of Microsoft back tracking in their “devoure the desktop with Metro” plans, ignoring the fact it’s only purpose was to take you to the Metro start screen.

    With Windows 10, the devouring is practically complete, the desktop is basically from a UI perspective, it will take a heck of a transformation pack to get even a basic desktop back.

  3. who was = who had (sorry)

  4. BTW, anyone noticed that in this Patch Tuesday, Windows 7 does not pop the Windows Update icon?

    I have a computer with updates set to auto-install and with MSE, and another computer with updates set to check-only and BitDefender Free, both of them didn’t pop an icon.

    Is this part of a “new improved experience”, or part of the NuMS policy of “home users validating updates (testing for bugs) for the enterprise” (damn, I don’t have Techbroil to provide a quote for this).

    Did your Win7 popped the update icon?

  5. I always install them manually, so no idea.

  6. (PS: Yes, TrustedInstaller and svchost have stopped hitting the CPU, network is inactive, and the hard-drive is not spinning, in the computer with auto-install all updates finished installing and no taskbar icon was popped)

  7. I always install them manually, so no idea.
    I have it set to check only (no download and no auto-install). Yes, it wasted some resources at every boot, but IMO having it on manual is dangerous. If I had set it on manual, I would have missed the font vulns (which are browser-independent btw, not just IE), because I hadn’t read ArsTechnica that day (they report out of cycle patches). It was the icon that tipped me off that there was an out of cycle.

    Which brings me to my question again: Does the disappearance of the icon happen to any of you you too, or I have a bug to hunt down?

  8. Does the disappearance of the icon happen to any of you you too, or I have a bug to hunt down?

    You should post this into the main post. “NuMicrosoftLHBLinuxWindows8Broil”. to reach more people.

  9. “With Windows 10, the devouring is practically complete, the desktop is basically from a UI perspective, it will take a heck of a transformation pack to get even a basic desktop back.”

    What are you talking about? The desktop in windows 10 works just like before.

  10. nig


  11. mmmmm babe

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